Matt Bumpers’ Ultra-Official Halloween Guide to De-Scaring

Matt Bumpers here with a Public Service Announcement.

Everyone knows that Halloween is the most wonderful time of the year. The cobwebs, the ghouls, the candy… But there is an affliction sweeping the nation, threatening to ruin Halloween for America’s youth.

I should explain.

My kid brother, Charlie, is what you might call…a dorky chicken. He screams when lights go out unexpectedly, has nightmares from watching movies about vampires, and crosses the street when he sees a potentially haunted house.

I’m sorry to report that this is not an isolated case. Dorkychickenitis is a growing concern, and this epidemic must be stamped out.

But I’ll need your help.

I’ve compiled a fool-proof toolkit for use in de-scaring any Dorky Chickens you may encounter. Good luck.

Dorkychickenitis Patient Zero: Charles Bumpers

Matt Bumpers’ Ultra-Official Guide to De-Scaring

1. Tell a scary story. Tell a little bit every night; make each night’s episode a little more terrifying. With some luck, you’ll have your patient laughing in the ghoulish face of fear by the time Halloween rolls around.

2. Watch a scary movie. Okay, this one’s kind of the same as the scary story tip. Building up to scarier and scarier movies will eventually have your patient immune to the palest vampires and hairiest werewolves.

3. Change the name of the scary thing. I have my little sister, Mabel, to thank for this one. Charlie is terrified to watch a movie called The Shrieking Skull. Mabel thought the name was “Squeaking” instead of “Shrieking,” making the movie laughable. Good on you, Mabel. Gold star.

Me, Matthew Bumpers, demonstrating Tip #1

4. Watch something funny right after something scary. This will help you forget about the scary thing and focus on the funny thing instead. Easy-peasy.

5. Focus on the funny aspects. Look, I know scary. Scary stories, scary movies, whatever; they all have something in common. They’re funny! Underneath the ghosts and goblins and blood and guts, there’s always a joke. If you walk into a scary situation prepared to laugh, you will.

6. Embrace being scared. C’mon, why do you think people keep making scary movies? They’re fun! They give you the chance to scream, hide under the covers, and freak out your friends. Everyday life can get boring sometimes—getting scared is a great way to break up the monotony.

7. Pretend you’re not scared. Basically: fake it ’til you make it. I wish Charlie would at least pretend he wasn’t scared all the time.

8. Be with friends. Scary story + people to share it with = fun. That’s just basic math.

9. Realize it’s all fake. You know what Halloween is about right? Getting scared. But at the end of the day, you know the stories, the monsters, and the ghouls aren’t real.

Can you think of anything else? Comment below if I missed any good tips.