My name is Bradley Bartleby. If you haven’t heard of me, that’s probably because you are ignorant wretches.
My family are immensely rich and I live in a huge house with a garden that is big enough to lose an elephant in. You might think that being rich means that I can have whatever I want. Sadly, this is not the case. While my parents give in to my every demand, not everyone follows their fine example. There is one man in particular, who stubbornly refuses to give me what I want. His name is Santa Claus.
While this fat fool gives proper presents to all of you each Christmas, he seems determined not to do the same for me. Ever since I was a baby, the only gift he’s given me is a pair of stupid socks, which is more of an insult than a gift.
I’m not prepared to put up with this for any longer, so this Christmas I’m going to make sure I get what I want from Santa – this Christmas I’m going to take every present he’s got.
To achieve this I’ve spent the whole of this year converting my house into a stupendous SANTA TRAP. Although I still have a few jobs left to do, I’m confident that I will catch the crimson clod. I’m obviously hoping to nab Santa early on in his journey, while he’s still got most of his gifts. Either way, it will mean that some of you will not be getting your presents this year. I realise that many children will be upset by this. To those children I say, “BOOHOO!”, “LOOK AT THE LITTLE CRY BABY!” and “TOUGH LUCK!” I’ve suffered many disappointing Christmases – now it’s your turn!
I’m aware that there is a picture book entitled “The Santa Trap” that claims to tell the story of what I’m doing. I have to admit that the first half of this book contains a disturbingly accurate account of my early life and the events of the last few months. The book’s author and illustrator have clearly been spying on me. I must improve the security here at Bartleby Hall – it seems that having ravenous tigers roaming the grounds is not enough.
I didn’t bother reading the second half of the book as it was clearly made-up nonsense. It appears to show events that have not even happened yet!!! The author and illustrator of the book, Jonathan Emmett and Poly Bernatene, are obviously charlatans and the book’s publishers, Peachtree, must be gullible idiots. I would urge you to ignore the book completely – only there is this rather fetching portrait of me on the front cover.
So I suggest you buy a copy, put the dust cover in an expensive frame and throw away the rest of the book – or better still burn it!
To set the record straight as to my actual activities, I have taken out a Twitter account @BradleyBartleby and will be tweeting a daily progress report as I put the finishing touches to my trap.
You can find my profile page here.
The first tweet will be on the 1st December and the last on the 24th December, after which I will be too busy opening my thousands of presents to tweet any more. Since this period coincides with advent, I thought I’d use “Bradley’s Advent Calendar” as my profile name. However this title was too long for the halfwits at Twitter, who can only cope with a few syllables at a time it seems, so I’ve had to abbreviate it to “BADVENT CALENDAR” instead.
I expect that I’ll be too busy finishing the trap to respond to any tweets you might send me, so don’t bother trying to talk me out of it or begging me to stop – and I’m not interested in any other tedious little remarks you might want to make!
Here’s wishing ME a very merry and present-filled christmas.